Things not to do on the Mobile Command Unit
by albert12
Summary: There are some things that SHIELD's agents really shouldn't do… as Coulson's team learns the hard
1. Chapter 1

**Things not to do on the Mobile Command Unit**

There are some things that SHIELD's agents really shouldn't do… as Coulson's team learns the hard way.

**Author's Note:**

I just saw the first episode of Agents of SHIELD, and, well, I got a little over-enthusiastic with writing a "Things Not to Do" list for the show.

I usually wait a few episodes to write anything a show, but Agents of SHIELD is just too great to be ignored. Anyways, on with the story!

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**Things not to do on the Mobile Command Unit**

The list just sort of appeared one day, innocently hanging on a clipboard, looking inconspicuous. It was only when Agent Coulson tried to take it down did he discover it had been glued to the wall with some extremely powerful glue.

He noted that there was already one rule on the list:

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**1-The low-fat chocolate pudding is not to be hoarded.**

Coulson knew what had prompted that, but he decided not to dwell on it. The incident had ended with the plane in free-fall until the supplies were redistributed.

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**2- I don't care if "It needed done." When Mr. Stark is aboard, do not grease the loading ramp.**

Tony had stepped onto the ramp- and got in some quality flight time _before_ his armor caught up.

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**3-Under no case is Lola to be used for HALO operations.**

That one had been added immediately after Ward was overheard discussing the possibility of using the flying car as a method of deploying agents into an active combat zone.

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**4-The truth-serum war ends now!**

It had started with merely embarrassing questions. It had ended with a distraught Colson admitting to swallowing a live frog by accident.

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**5-Modifying the knockout rifle to fire Tylenol is a really bad idea.**

This rule was left without comment or explanation. It was better that way, it really was.

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**6-Strawberry Jell-O is not to be hoarded, either.**

The command base had once again become a Zero-G area until Skye surrendered the Jell-O.

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**7- I don't care how effective it is-Laxatives are not to be loaded in the knockout gun!**

An entire terrorist base had surrendered in exchange for access to a Porta-Potty.

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**8-The Secure Information Center is not to be used for spam.**

The president had triggered an investigation into SHIELD's funding after receiving more than a million messages.

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**9-NO. MORE. SKYWRITING!**

Coulson wasn't sure what prompted his team to write "S.H.I.E.L.D. was Here." large enough to be seen for several hundred miles, but he preferred they not attempt any repeat performances.

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**10-No, you may not write on Skye, either!**

The hacker added that note to the list, with "No Intelligence Zone" still emblazoned on her forehead.

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**11-Turtles. Sixty thousand feet. Never again.**

Coulson read the rule carefully, twice, before deciding that it was probably better that he didn't know.

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**12- Once again- The person(s) who modified the water heater will please surrender themselves for disciplinary action.**

The showers came in two types - Chillingly Cold or Coffee with Creamer

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**13- The five-mile-long elastic wire stowed in the cargo bay is the antenna for the Extremely-Low-Frequency-Radio. YOU MAY NOT USE IT FOR BUNGIE-JUMPING!**

Thankfully, that plan had been stopped before anyone tried such a thing.

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**14-You may not tie it to the shoelaces of ground-based politicians, ether.**

Fortunately, Agent May had noticed the antenna warning light before one extremely-annoying senator was treated to an intercontinental flight.

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**15- Agent Melinda May' s cooking is not to be referred to as "The Revenge of the MRE."**

Until they got a proper flight crew, the team had to deal with all the chores themselves. Agent May's turn to cook found the table set with six unopened, cold-war-era Meals Ready To Eat.

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**16- Or "That time she used Coulson's face as an MRE-package Opener."**

Coulson had opened his big mouth.

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**17-There is no situation where using the Mobile Command Post to play chicken with an oil rig is "Just normal operating procedures."**

This was left without explanation.

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**18- Never ask Coulson about the "Refried TAZER Surprise" incident.**

Skye had did her best, but all the reports were classified with level-ten security "For access by Director Fury Only". All she could find was vague references to a KFC run, a 'scary chicken mask' and a person by the name "Darcy".

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**19- There is no viable alternative to gravity, please stop trying.**

A hostile fighter had prompted Agent May to put the Mobile Command Unit through some extremely fancy maneuvers.

Including the one that had resulted in Agents Fitz, Simmons, and Coulson running across the _ceiling_ to reach the bathrooms in time.

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**Continuity note:** The "nite-nite gun" is referred to by various names here, mostly because the crew of the Mobile Command Unit/ The Bus doesn't seem to have decided on a name for it yet.

Also, for those unfamiliar with military acronyms used by paratroopers, HALO stands for High-Altitude, Low-Opening - essentially, a parachute mission where the person falls most of the way, and only parachutes the last bit. It's tricky, dangerous, and a flamethrower-armed flying car would probably help out a lot.

**Author's note: **Well? What do you think? Review and let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **It's a bit later than I had planned to post this, as early midterms got in the way.

**Credits: **A big thanks to** Hearns**, who inspired rule 32, and **HeartofFywinde**, who provided the (indirect) inspiration for rule 35.

I am a little short of ideas for the next chapter, so anyone who wants to suggest one should PM me with it. I will post it on the conditions it is both _clean_ and _funny_.

* * *

**20-I don't care what alien substance is in your system, you may not sing "The Water Buffalo Song" over the PA at three in the morning!**

Ward had accidentally ingested an alien toxin that, while not dangerous to humans, had some interesting effects.

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**21-We are never storing live chickens aboard again.**

A crate of mean, Chitauri- tech-equipped chickens had broken open in flight, and caused quite a bit of excitement.

Agent May still insisted the high-pitched noise when they got into the cockpit was the fire alarm, however.

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**22-I don't care what you think of how they ended your favorite game, you may not use SHIELD resources to threaten video game companies.**

Fitz began to doubt he would ever live that one down.

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**23- Agent Ward's code name is not "Larry the Cucumber."**

Someone had brought a copy of "VeggieTales" aboard.

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**24- My code name is not "Bob the Tomato"!**

This rule was posted in Coulson's most irritated looking handwriting.

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**25- Extremis Potatoes - just no.**

Actually, they had worked quite well in smuggling hand grenades through the airport security. They continued to look like a good idea until Coulson threw one…

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**26- Calling Melinda May "Wash" is inadvisable. Especially if you actually want to take off in the next hour.**

Coulson's "Take us out of the world, Wash" quip had grounded them for a half hour while Agent May expressed her _extreme_ displeasure at the comment.

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**27-Refit the electrostatic discharge system **_**before**_** inviting Thor aboard!**

One lightning storm later, the bus lost all electrical power. The control tower techs would probably never recover from the sight of a Norse god towing in an airplane.

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**28-No matter how upset you are, it is not advisable to consume every single piece of pizza aboard.**

Agent Simmons had done so, and the result had been more than a few upset agents.

Which could explain why she was hiding in the dryer.

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**29-The next person who calls Agent Ward "Colonel Sheppard" is in serious trouble!**

Turns out, Ward wasn't much of a Stargate fan.

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**30-No, the alien cat is not allowed on board.**

The latest mission had found Skye taking possession of a lost kitten. One with a prehensile tail, six legs, and what Simmons suspected was some form of empathic abilities.

Coulson had relented from the rule, however, when the kitten had given him a look that defied the current human understanding of maximum possible cuteness.

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**31- The flack launchers are not there to "mess with people's heads." Please stop trying.**

Air traffic control had a proper fit over Ward's attempt at flying.

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**32- Whoever hacked the autopilot's PA system, please restore it to the normal voice mode.**

Melinda May wasn't happy about the fact the autopilot could now out-swear a longshoreman.

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**33- An overpass is not a suitable substitute for a set of brakes!**

An emergency touchdown on a highway had led to the Mobile Command Post becoming firmly wedged in an overpass.

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**34- Please keep the cat contained!**

Coulson had been awoken by something with six feet landing on his chest in the middle of the night. The ensuing battle had been brief, noisy, and full of psychic collateral damage.

Most of which was caused by Phil's pajamas.

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**35- Do NOT leave loose bowling balls in the hallway!**

Fortunately for Coulson's sanity, it had hit the SHIELD SUV, not Lola, but Ward was desperately hoping he never figured out who had left it there all the same.

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**36- NO. MORE. LOOP-THE-LOOPS!**

Once again, Coulson was considering adding an extra washroom in order to deal with airsickness situations.

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**37- Rule 36 applies to temporal Loop-the-Loops as well.**

This one was left unexplained. Everyone thought it was better that way.

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**38- We will not, under any circumstances, use the engines as a means of executing villains.**

Ward made an ill-timed attempt at a joke and was found an hour later, hiding under a table and muttering about hardened ceramics and rotor balance.

Agent May seemed to have made an impression on him.

* * *

**39-The. Goat. Goes. Back. Now.**

Simmons had "rescued" a flame-breathing goat from a secret lab.

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**40- The goat-rescue incident is never to be mentioned again.**

Skye just laughed, and posted the video to Youtube. Specifically, the video of Ward, pants on fire and running from an angry, flame-breathing mother goat.

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**41- Fury said no fish tank. That means no fish tank. Take the fishbowls out of the life raft compartment!**

Simmons was slightly upset about being forced to give up a massive collection of exotic fish.

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**Replies to those without accounts:**

Kihonne: Thanks! As per your request, here's the next chapter!

aw yeah: Ty!

**Author's Note:** Well, what do you think? Review and let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Yes, I know I said I was planning on a chapter a week, and there are currently four episodes and three chapters of this fic. All I can say is that real life has to, by default, have priority over fanfiction

Thanks to fictionfrek101, who inspired number 49, and also caught a few of my misspellings in the last chapter.

Also, credit goes to **Imagination1234**, for indirectly inspiring number 57, **bissek** for providing rule 58, and **fictionwriter28**, for providing rule number 60.

Anyway, on with the story!

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**42- No more hamper battles.**

Skye looked at the list in disappointment, but went right back to hitting Ward with the laundry hamper.

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**43- Laundry hampers are not the ultimate question to Life, the Universe, and Everything.**

This one was left without any explanation. Not that one was really needed.

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**44-I don't care how desperate the situation is, no 'squishing' things with my laptop!**

Agent May. Spiders. Enough said.

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**45- No, we do not want to see anymore re-runs of Ward-vs-spork!**

Someone had, in an effort to defeat SHIELD, created a robot out of a semi-sentient metallic material. A robot in the shape of a giant spork.

* * *

**46- The water balloons go.**

A mission had found the Agents confiscating almost a ton of water balloons. Paint-filled water balloons.

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**47- NOT BY DROPPING THEM OUT THE RAMP!**

The rule had been posted much too late.

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**48-FitzSimmons cannot solve problems by yodeling.**

Please, for the sake of our eardrums, do not have them try

* * *

**49- Skye is to remain at least twenty meters from all Avengers until further notice.**

Skye's fangirl –ing could get on a few nerves, very quickly.

Turns out, the Bus _could_ do what May was describing as a "Hulk-Assisted-Takeoff".

* * *

**50- According to SHIELD regulations, Blenders are not an acceptable sidearm.**

Ward had, yet again, used the kitchen implement as a weapon.

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**51-The appropriate response to Coulson inquiring about the Bus's engines is not "I'm givin' it all she's got, Captain!"**

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**52-The Scotty jokes end now.**

Fitz had thought the first one slightly funny. The thirty-eighth, not so much.

* * *

**53- I do not care if the AC-130 was insulting our honor or our abilities as an air support platform. No artillery duels!**

Fortunately, Coulson and the Air Force general had managed to stop them before serious damage was done to either plane.

* * *

**54- Just because we were attacked by a tree once is no reason to bring a flamethrower on every mission.**

Skye scowled at the list "Says the person who didn't have to deal with a freaking _Ent_."

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**55- No feeding the kitten celery.**

The kitten looked carefully at the list, then _bleeked_ unhappily and stalked off to go make kitten-eyes at Coulson until he relented.

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**56- No, the purple super-suit with the plunger ears never happened.**

This was written without explanation.

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**57- Do not use faux Old English near Ward. **

Turns out, one of the six languages he spoke was Old English. Stark's "let's just add 'th' to the end of half the words" attempt at the language had earned him a two-hour rant.

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**58- No matter how many Skittles you give Skye, she will not become a "magical wish-granting leprechaun of doom."**

Turns out, sufficient Skittles would drive the hacker completely hyper.

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**60-Operational reports from this command are no longer allowed to contain quotes from Dr. Seuss.**

Coulson looked slightly disappointed at this rule.

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**Author's notes: **53 ties into a personal theory of mine- namely, that The Bus has air support capabilities similar to an AC-130. After all,Joss Whedon couldn't miss the possible awesomeness of the Bus suddenly coming into view, a pair of side panels opening up, and it just _destroying_ a small army of enemies with a pair of alien-modified mini-guns.

Anyway, what did you think? Review and let me know!


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